The Murder of Children

I just brutally slaughtered a baby Tentacool.

Well, I guess it doesn't count as slaughter if they only faint, but I thundershocked the shit out of that thing! Poor little baby Tentacool. It was a girl. I was in a level 20+ area and she was only level 9. Strikes me as a sad, sad glitch that leads to child abuse.

Plus, I got almost /no/ experience from that.

When seeking out a tiny notebook to secretly write down the levels of evolution for about fifty Pokémon I have...well, I started that sentence badly. I found a notebook, and in the front was a page with a list of funny things written down on it - or things I certainly thought were funny when I wrote them down. I seem to remember taking the notebook to school and planning on jotting down story ideas, but only ending up jotting down things I wanted to remember.

Here is what it said. (Sic, including lack or abundance of capitals.)

"BLASPHEMY

I almost cried yesterday when my alarm went off

secret yellow belt

french vegetarian army

my mom called to tell me she was thinking about me. when I asked her why, she said 'because you're wasting your potential.'

Girl scouts come to door selling cookies, she's on the couch in PJs, her dad brings them inside: 'here's the bathroom...come see the basement, it's a disaster!' her: 'who are these people?' "

Now allow me to explain. Some of these just aren't funny, although they were to me at the time, but others only sound ridiculous in my freshman-year-of-highschool shorthand.

IN-DEPTH EXAMINATION TIME.

"BLASPHEMY"

This was me writing down a word I wanted to use more often. I, of course, meant it in terms of "They're out of chocolate milk!" "Out of chocolate milk?! BLASPHEMY!" And I still think this is funny, and good thing, since I use 'blasphemy' all the time when I'm unhappy.

"I almost cried yesterday when my alarm went off."

Someone said this to me - in art class, I think - and I remember thinking it was hilarious. Well. Opinions change.

"secret yellow belt"

I'm relatively sure that the story here was that I was play-fighting with a friend, or even just making really clichéd, slightly racist Asian fighting stances, and them saying that I wasn't very threatening (I'm not, you know. About 5'3" on a tall day, and just over 100 pounds. I'm actually...not dangerous at all. As much as I wish I could be.) and me responding with a defensive "How do you know I'm not secretly a blackbelt?" My friend must've said something derisive along the lines of "You'd never make blackbelt." I probably conceded and said, "Well...secret yellow belt?"

Then I undoubtedly laughed uproariously and wrote it down for posterity.

"french vegetarian army"

I really wish I could remember the story behind this one. As it is, we shall have to leave it to speculation. I still like this one, though, I feel that I must create a story behind it. Perhaps I will some day.

"my mom called to tell me she was thinking about me. when I asked her why, she said 'because you're wasting your potential.' "

Someone really did say this to me. I don't know if I'll ever be quite sure whether or not he or she ripped it off a comedian. I can't even remember who said it to me. But if I'm thinking it's ripped off of a comedian, that means it's pretty funny. The only problem is, I can't ever use it. It sounds too canned. Hmph.

"Girl scouts come to door selling cookies, she's on the couch in PJs, her dad brings them inside: 'here's the bathroom...come see the basement, it's a disaster!' her: 'who are these people?' "

So, with her name replaced with simple the letter 'K', here is the full version of this little story that a friend told me.

"The other day I was lying on the couch in my pajamas, watching TV, and the doorbell rings. My dad gets it and it's a girl scout selling cookies, and her mom. I go back to watching TV, and next thing you know they're in my house and my dad is giving them the tour. I hear him say 'Here's the bathroom...come see the basement, it's a disaster!' (and the way she told the story, he sounded incredibly cheerful about that) and K sat up off the couch and said 'Who ARE these people?' "

Again, I think it's one of those stories that's much funnier when you're telling it. But if you want to be a hit with your friends and have a bunch of nonchalant funny stories to keep people laughing at parties, act like this stuff happened to you and tell it. Trust me, no one's gonna suspect you of lying, it's just a pointless funny story. Bonus: you get to make fun of your father to your friends, which might make up for that time he showed them all video of you taking a bath at age two.